make it go away

"Lie still, lie still, my breaking heart; My silent heart, lie still, and break: Life, and the world, and mine own self, are changed for a dream's sake..." -Christina Rossetti (1830-1894)

Have you ever let a passion die? Have you ever been so disheartened, so discouraged and so scarred that you let go of a dream...and you thought it was not worth your time...it was not worth your tears?

People are often afraid to stray too far from the sidewalk (as that Kelly Clarkson song goes) because they have been so hurt to the point of numbness...they've seen it happen right before their very eyes...they've felt it happen right to the very marrow of their bones...like someone just liberally ripped their souls out like it was not worth anything...

So, they give up the passion, they refuse to feel too much for what they used to believe in...they put out the fire...and now there's nothing burning inside of them...

and they settle...settle for something safe...something steady...something that's not at all shaky...
Who could blame them...?

It's an act of self-preservation...to salvage whatever's left of their dignity...to redeem whatever little they have left in their sanity...

They would be numb for a long while...they would forget how it feels to hold a torch for something they strongly care about and believe in...

and then it happens...

someone comes and reminds them... and they instantly remember... like they were waking up from a coma...their memories of old coming back to life and suddenly they can't breathe...

They ask why... they beat themselves up, unforgivingly punishing and tormenting themselves for the big mistake of...settling for less...and letting go of the dream...and not believing it can still happen and that it is just around...lurking...waiting for the perfect time to find them and be found...

and now, it's too late...

In the stillness of life's ocean...there are tiny waves that remind us that there's something bigger than us, waiting to be unravelled, creeping from under the waters...undercurrents...waiting to sweep us off to places we've never been...

But when it finally comes, the question is are you willing and free to be taken by the waves?
Or are you strapped to a life vest?...

safe...breathing...living...yet not alive...

you refuse to think about it and a tiny voice inside you silently screams to no end...

"make it go away.."

and it doesn't.

*kelly has really been my inspiration ever since, good job with this ^_^

are you kidding me?

"are you kidding me?"

question that should be asked directly to those who don't realize your worth,

those that say how nice you look, how good you are and how they adore you,

sometimes you always bear in mind that these people will always be there for you

but are you sure, are you right, then think about it twice..

they treat you lunch, snacks and dinner,

they even surprise you with something you least expect to be given to,

you just can't help your self saying "are you for real?" "is that for me?"

"are you really doing that to make me happy?"

"or you're just forcing yourself not to hurt me even all the while,

you have gotten sicked of me?" cool right?

stupid as it might sound but DUH, it's a fact..

they say they like you and whisper "i miss you"

they give their warmth and loud hug

but can you hear it's meaningful sound?

sometimes they cry to make you feel it's your fault.

you will be sorry, you will kneel down and get all the blame you don't even deserve

then it'll be okay, soon it'll be like it again,

it sounds cyclical as it might be but that's how it is..

how lame it could be if you have shared your precious eon

and suddenly, randomly thin air grabs it out from nowhere..

it sucks coz you don't wanna waste it, you're saving, making the most out of it,

but then it got stolen, they stole it from you, you were forced to give it, darn it!

you would want to utter that simple question..

you would want to practically slap it directly to their face..

you would want to shout it out loud for them to notice..

but what did you do? nothing, you just kept silent, poker face.

so now, are you freakin kidding me?

don't explain yourself coz it's just going to be silly..

gosh darn it, lame excuses and bad acting won't help you,

you grew tired of it, you hate it, that's too much!

so are you kidding me?

what if they say yes? how are you gonna react?!

are you gonna get mad, happy, or jump and leap forward?

are you gonna be freaky, get crazy and act wild like a mad cow?

yes, absolutely yes, they gotta be kidding you,

isn't too obvious, react, please just react..

what a waste of effort, bubbles popping out

cheese melting down, balloons flying away..

and you can't even know what to say.

are you kidding me?

then screw you.,

forget it

sometimes expecting so much

can become a random mismatch..

seeing things the way it should be

will just make you feel sorry..

knowing you found that somebody

made you happy, made you jolly..

you started as happy friends

developing a connection that might become intense..

you just can't hide your emotions

every time you see those imperfections..

manifesting through a confusing series of events

creating a cycle full of unexplainable moments..

you look through that piercing eyes

can't take your binoculars off getting hypnotized..

affecting every part of your perplexed dubious mind

obscuring your vision making you completely blind..


you feel shy, you feel uncomfortable

after hearing that you are so desirable

you don't want to believe it..

you always think about it..


trying to go with the flow is what you do

probably because you just want that person to drool over you

good job you might think it could be a mystery

too bad you miscalculated making you feel sorry..


you barely just don't understand

the real purpose of his take and stand..

you just have to humbly accept it

but never ever in your entire life forget it..

nice try

you should have kept it hidden
so that it can be easily forgotten..
this simple careless playful crazy whisper,
spreading all through out the interior creating a blister..

you intentionally popped the bloated portion,
making a sudden bursting sound revealing a notion..
they were all ears silently listening to the shocking sound
absorbing intricate details, little by little creating a mound..

you really have to admit how vocal you are when it comes to that
telling everybody, making them experience smashing a ball with a bat!
sometimes you have to blame yourself, sometimes you have to take it
because what you see, how you feel will be divulged and unfolded bit by bit..

you never expected, never even see it coming so quickly
because you thought it was a bit corny and shouldn't be stated briefly..
you were surprised, shocked, nervous didn't even know what to say, how to react
you were caught off guard, handcuffed by the ambiance trying to escape and retract..

after witnessing cheesy moments, awkwardness dropped by, waving its hands and saying hi..
you were still in the state of being overwhelmed by what you heard which you think might be a lie..
since you didn't even get the real purpose and intention of the splash that was uttered randomly
but studying the actions and looking through the hour glass helped you comprehend the thoughts clearly..

looking at the subject will make you feel bogus about the chronicles and escapades you were told to pay heed to
it's quite deceiving but the total manifestation of the verity naturally comes out trying to boob you..
that's why you felt lonely, you felt sad because every time you think of that it just makes you wanna cry
it would be better if you should have refrained yourself from shouting it all out loud, you got me there, nice try..

portrait

it started with a blink of an eye
following a real quick glance near-by
gradually obscuring the sense of sight
getting hit by every single ray of light

looking at the portrait denotes admiration
the stroke made by the brush can be an inspiration
the complexity of the design leaves an impression
the pencil marks and light lines show its hidden expression

it can be told how each piece was painstakingly put together
the details, elements and parts with smudges that don’t even matter
no wonder why everyone wants to spare a dough for such masterpiece
it’s a good thing the painting is either for sale or for lease

the choice of colors is such a delight to the sleepy eye
waking up the lonely soul causing the spirit to go sigh
it’s distribution to every part that needs to be filled up
is like an overwhelming emotion that creates a strong bop

a perfect frame would definitely add class
to a simple, chic and fragile canvass
square, oblong, diamond any shape of edge would do
as long as it would complement the artwork and not say boo

hanging the photograph on a wall maximizes the entire space
providing an exact spot for that object disregards the confusing maze
but will it still look pleasing if the painting’s mood mismatch the pillar
even if it gets refurbished it would insist, react and just be placed in the cellar

no more

You squint your eyes trying to remember…
Spirit tired and spent, like it’s been forever…
The sudden stops and starts your heart makes
Remind you of all your tears…your heartaches…

But now…today…since it’s been awhile
You suddenly feel too numb to even smile
A hazy memory, a muffled sound in your head…
Feelings you’ve buried alive and left for dead…

It’s been so long ago, ignore a familiar call
refuse to see black see blue, every time you fall…
You cross your fingers, wish ...hope it goes away…
Does it know who you are…who you have become today?

Then it’s right in front of you, do breathe real hard
Too late to turn away, it has caught you off guard.
look it in the eyes, breathe a little harder now…
dig, search for words to say …and how…

Suddenly, without warning, your heart is on the floor…
You gasp for air…a distant ache in your core…
Yry to figure it out …what this very moment is for…
Your mind counts one…then two…then three…then four…

All of a sudden…you feel beat, you feel shaken, you feel sore…
In your tired heart, you know—you give it life…no more.

(originally posted by kelly, feel like re-posting coz i can easily relate to its hidden message)

a singer

how come i don't understand
the way you play with your band
sometimes you suck big time
but still earning the right dime

you have this particular effect
quite contagious it's hard to dissect
scrutinizing every part that lacks interest
filling each detail with a delight success

you sing a melody narrating a wonderful story
i harmonize, i blend, creating a breath-taking scenery
everybody likes it, everybody just can't get over it
if they only know it's true essence, it won't be a hit

I'm still confuse
about the total perplexity that i badly want to refuse
the hidden messages that go with the flow
making me ask for more than a wind blow

insensitivity always manifest in the lyrics of his song
trying to produce a pitch so not in tune and extremely long
it gets irritating but i just can't help myself listening
coz it's the only way to see myself laughing and smiling

yes it's difficult to comprehend
keeping up with your music is a challenging trend
don't you still notice how badly i get hurt and cry?
whenever i see you singing a song to somebody with your head held high..

indeed friends cannot be lovers

eyes so chinky, so expressive, so deep..
he twinkles, he stares, his artistic gaze..
smile so perfect, so cute, so rare..
he smirks, he laughs, his funny craze..

he made you like him even more..
made you dream of him while walking along the shore..
forgetting that you and him would not create a meaning..
don't react, don't interfere, don't even bother insisting..

face so pale, so soft, so calm..
he cracks jokes, he makes faces, his crazy acts..
frame so slim, so sleek, so tall
he sings, he whistles, his never ending facts..

every minute, every hour, makes you think of him, only him..
on the bus, on the way to work, while dreaming, he just never dim..
how you wish you could always see him, talk to him, feel his touch..
it can't be helped because day by day you miss him so freakin much..

scent so nice, so good, so gentle
he squints, he moves in stealth, his little secrets..
voice so plain, so humble, so sweet
he whispers, he shouts, his nonstop stories..

over the phone you share your hilarious moments
breaking the dawn won't stop you leaving comments
you're getting attached and starting to feel the so called L.O.V.E.
for him you're just a friend, in terms of love and relationship, he cannot have..

you keep on falling to your friend and end up failing
but don't you worry, it's gonna be just fine to practice waiting..
you just really have to believe in the saying that..
indeed friends cannot be lovers.. :(

i thought..

One day I was bored, chatting
hoping to find someone who dotes on painting
still life, self portraits, live cityscape and skyscrapers
tangible masterpieces clearly delineating on rough papers

Spent two hours in a chat room filled with agony of deceit
constantly translating into images characterized by defeat.
Too much drama, too much skit that i have yet to conceive,
everyone's just going mad and crazy now i wanna leave.

Then out of nowhere a soothing sound was uttered.
Was about to depart but stayed just to hear a tone being whispered.
It started softly trying to capture the sullen silence flowing in the air,
I'm all ears and each melody that ascends and descends vibrated so rare.

I became a fan and realized giving him a pun
it's unexpected, conversing with him was just fun.
I loathed him for having a gift of singing
easily got attached leaving an effect almost mesmerizing!

We became friends and started exchanging stories.
The time line of our lives can be a good written series.
Quite surprising you may think it is
but we do have the same field of expertise.

I study the art and science of designing edifices.
He computes and scrutinizes the stability of structures and its pieces.
My goal to find somebody who does well in painting and sketching
was replaced by a genius who aces in estimating and reckoning.

Hugging the phone for hours is getting a hobby
for both of us who want to avoid anything that go baggy.
Non-stop laughing, joking, singing and scaring
which i perfectly find fascinating and amusing.

I did fall in love with him not because he's good at belting
but because of his intelligence and manner of thinking.
I'm starting to like him and hoping he'll like me back
so one night i confessed to him a part of me that is slacked.

For the second time, i got rejected, gradually falling on the ground face first. Mixed emotions, awkwardness playing in the background ready to burst
running, dashing, trying to hide in stealth and waiting for nothing,
wishing i should have kept my mouth silent while miming to something.

The noise of the silence grabbing and breaking our numb attention
was replaced by an intense perplexity and rapid detonation.
Causing me to disconnect the internet and press flash on the telephone
but a quick utter of word made me realized what went wrong with what I've shown.

He's not mad and didn't even get angry
in fact he was happy to witness my knight showing bravery
I wasn't ignored, wasn't even criticized instead got applauded.
Come to think of it, we're still friends and hatred was avoided.

I'm pretty much thankful knowing i have him by my side
sharing thoughts and asking if i still need his help and guide.
Nothing has changed since the very first time we met
we still continue to talk engaging in an intellectual conversation on the net.

i lost you

There's something about the past
that made my high school memory last.
Something that keeps on reminding
the feelings that seem to be hiding,

We were born to be schoolmates
and suddenly became classmates.
Our last name start with the same letter
having him as my seatmate is much better.

Started when i got bored.
after erasing the notes on the blackboard
Went to the restroom to get rid of the chalk dust
perfectly coating my hands blown away by a simple gust.

Making my way downstairs i saw him running.
Probably he's gonna be late that's why he's rushing.
My eyes followed him secretly while thinking.
All of a sudden there i was, outside of his room standing.

A modest creation with a bland expression
carrying a pearl complexion which attracts a lot of attention.
First time i got enticed by the scent he wears by surprise
wish someday, somehow, when we meet, he would be nice.

Then random switches happen for an unknown reason
when he got promoted to our section in the right season.
I was shocked coz i thought my sketched imagination won't happen,
good thing just in time my humble pencil is perfectly sharpened

Most of my friends know i like the person
and they promised not to say it coz i would be in prison,
but two of them started baffling and intentionally revealing
the admiration i have for the one who i think is appealing.

We used to talk and laugh about things
when he still has no idea about my feelings.
Then everything came to an end and he felt morosely,
ignoring my presence and taking everything seriously.

At first i felt sad knowing i lost somebody
who treated me kind but in the end thinks i'm nobody
Oh well it's all good coz i have already accepted
how it feels if you're like being rejected.

If i could just turn back the time
Keeping my mouth shut telling i don't have a dime
Are we gonna be friends like we used to be?
Or be strangers who watched the first episode of glee?

I missed XD

After being scolded due to the existence of laziness overpowering my ability to adjust in such crazy circumstances coming together which i realized i could have resolved in the first place, another event came to an abrupt stop. My excitement to dress up like one of the characters in Naruto sporting my shiny forehead protector, awesome ninja costume and high fashioned boots i bought in ukay lead to disappointment. Mom sorted through some of our dirty clothes and started unveiling my technicolor undies and hankies in a very polite way. I have to do laundry (boo!) and it's not fun coz when mom washes our undies (yup, heard it right, including mine) she does it with bare hands. The convenience of having a washing machine is useless because mom is alienating it with her physical strength. And since i do things in a slow manner, it would take me forever to finish those rainbow colored linens. If i were only given another option, like cook lunch or decorate our living room, but doing laundry..?? i'd rather hide my self and walk in stealth just to attend the ozinefest but i seriously have no choice. Welcome rough palms and goodbye kagibushin technique O_O

messy..

"Jaypee anu ba itong ginawa mo sa lamesa, ang kalat kalat, ligpitin mo nga!" only means one thing, Mom is awake and i'm gonna be in a serious trouble, darn it..

Last night was a blast! Got to watch my fave tv show, munched on chocolates and twix while engaging in a not so intellectual conversation with my affluent on-line buddies, finished my proposed car show building perspective that stole 3/4 of my precious time and discovered that i still have money left to buy myself overrated statement wicked cool shirt. The extreme fulfillment i was able to accomplish in a short span of time satisfied my tired sleepy spirit..whew!

Today, mom's screeching in my ear woke me up by surprise. She sounded like Rihanna having a mood swing while singing "DISTURBIA" with a maracas implanted in her throat. I didn't pay attention coz my mind was busy connecting my blissful imagination in a form of a dream that she just cut after turning the electric fan off. Good thing i don't sweat a river.

After being disturbed mom called me messy while pointing her finger towards my 5 year old drafting table. She talked nonstop and it's not funny because i couldn't understand every word she uttered. "Don't blame me, I'm still sleepy and besides it's just a table, it won't harm you.." i said in a monotonous pitch. "If you don't want to clean this mess, I'll throw everything that's on your table!!" (Mom speaks in english every time she gets angry) I really have no idea how dirty my drafting table was until i put by glasses on and focused my eyes in the center of attraction. It's indeed messy and dirty. My shoe laces were shouting help, wallet got robbed, speakers were beaten up silently, pringles standing freely, chocolates waiting to be attacked helplessly and my laptop yelling "turn me off if you want to be turned on again". Come to think of it, I was busy enjoying every single minute of my not so boring life last night and forgot to keep everything in place because my bed's already calling out my name. I ended up removing all the unnecessary stuff intentionally placed on my worried drafting table, dunking chocolate wrappers in my newly purchased thrash conduit, and cleaning my whole entire 3x4 meters room while being constantly called messy by my super gorgeous mom. She should get used to it though, coz that is the same scenario ever since i started going to college. I don't have classes and don't have a plate to work on so why clean? LOL!

I was extremely fooled..

Everything seems pretty fine

when I’m still standing on the line.

Enjoying every single crazy moment

of people who are equally game and present.

We laugh so hard till our tummy hurts.

We scream so loud till we get the thirst.

Dunno how long these addictions will last,

I better get going, need to run super fast.

One day I woke up,

feeling oh, so damn beaten up.

Did I hit my head and lost my memory

or they were done reading my wonderful story?

The flow of air gradually changes.

The flying eagle suddenly plunges.

Everything seems to be different,

unlike before, where things are basically coherent.

I’m still confuse,

with those acts that I wish to refuse.

If I could just close my gloomy eyes,

to avoid the blindness of their lies.

They say my computation is not suitable for calculus.

All of a sudden I feel bogus.

They say I need to revise my mood.

I say I was extremely fooled…

Shame on her

Sometimes you feel like you’re the best among the rest,

That’s why your ability is always put to the test.

What if someday, you wake up thinking there would be a chance

For you to take home gold not just a glance?

Since the beginning you were strong, you were fierce.

Everyone was afraid, they should be shedding tears.

You got the attention definitely not the intention,

To wipe away your classmates and jeopardize their location.

When you were away, everybody seems to portray,

Your attitude, your drive, nobody’s getting the way.

The class is boring, again they need you to bring

Bunches of your energy attached to a string.

And then there she was, listening to your splash.

Looking pretty impress, blinded by your flash.

She appreciates everything even the smallest part

Because for her, you were great, you were absolutely smart.

You did everything for the whole entire scheme,

Thinking she’d give you a light in a form of a beam.

You were dreaming something perfectly interesting

Because you already knew that she will grant you a touch of spring.

After all the excitement, after all those crazy moments

You finally received your very own treatment,

Were you surprised to see your shining prize?

Or be shocked because that is not the right price?

You were expecting to receive a high, powerful rating

It’s just that she forgot or intentionally dumped pieces of everything.

From the very first moment up to the last agreement

All your efforts were erased, all were put to waste.

You don’t really compare on the thing that was there

But you couldn’t help yourself to ask your classmate’s flare

Most of them did nothing, they just laughed, they just listened

How come they gained a trophy higher than your mane?

You don’t deserve the cake that she silently served.

Where the heck did she get the actions of her verb?

She’s not a professional, her knowledge is not even for international

She called herself perfectionist, she’s more like an illusionist.

(i don't want to post this anymore coz i've already forgiven her but this short composition will definitely add aesthetic here, hahaha! JK)

FAIR ENOUGH...

I have never in my life dreamed of failing a subject and repeating it once the waiting is over.

I always study my lessons, prepare a lot and participate in class discussion coz i always wanted to the best in class.

Since I started going to college, receiving a grade lower than 2.25 or 3.00 is a shocker and kinda depressing in a way that you've never ever gotten that kind of percentage back in elementary and high school in regards to your performance in class. Sad to say it happened. Not once, not twice, not even thrice. I was like "so this is college life?? now it freaks me out big time.."

Most of my grades in minor subject are just fine, average, just right, not to brag with my friends. But when it comes to my major subject, it’s extremely different..

3.00 is the name of the game. A student in my school who happened to have the same course as I do was like “get used to it, it’ll be forever”. At first I was still surprised knowing that all my sweats were dropping nonstop while working 24/7 and got wasted without even feeling the happiness entering my melancholy system but as the semester goes by, 3.00 is always present. It sometimes even says “hello”. It’s everywhere! It's like stalking me stealthily and plays hide and seek to distract my hyper personality.

"3.00 is the value of my work in school. 3.00 is the reason why i missed my best friend's debut. 3.00 is the worth of not sleeping for 2 days every time we have a plate, and being away from class just to finish that freakin requirement."

Sometimes I feel like giving up because it's killing me but I have to do this no mater what! I always tell myself that I ain’t getting a grade lower than 3.00. Had enough of this. Good thing my parents don't set expectations and good thing i didn't have honors and awards back in my elementary and HS days coz they're gonna freak out if they find out how stupid their son is..

Finally, the time has come. It has arrived with a capital A. The moment that will change my life, my whole entire life. “I got 5.00 in design 5” and that's just insane!

The feeling was like, I was pounded into pieces, powdered. It deeply hurt me, I recovered but not fully. The pain was still inside me and it just didn't wanna go.

DESIGN requires a lot of physical strength, creativity and powerful design aesthetic which welcome and boast my weaknesses. “I did not finish 2 out of 4 esquisses and HE failed my final plate which i think is not worth failing at all” that’s why I got 5.00.

I’m really disappointed but at the same time proud of myself. I took my ability to the next level. I raised the bar. Did everything. Did not drop or withdraw the subject. Fought for it, bad news is, I lost the game..

But it’s all good. It’s part of life. I was the one who handled the stirring wheel too bad I struggled, bumped and crushed the car while driving…more bad news, it's not even my own car, pity me.. :(

(Alrighty, this one was actually my fourth post back in my blog page on friendster, I'm okay now, don't worry haha and one more thing, the picture i used here is my friend's work area, couldn't find mine and have no time to take another picture of it coz my work space now is so freakin messy hahaha ^^)

Start From Scratch ^^

I was browsing my facebook account earlier trying to delete/upload some pics, check for notifications, requests and stuff like that when i spotted a high school friend's pic attached to my profile. I clicked on him, viewed his recent and not so recent college pics, got interested in one of his classmates, checked out his classmate's fb account , read profile, took a quick look on his pictures and got curious with some of his wall posts which originally came from his blogspot account. Since reading posts and blogs by people is getting a hobby, i decided to click on his blogspot link and started reading each of his post and feeling the hidden emotions that should be kept hidden there. "This dude is a good writer.." I told myself. I was captured and inspired by the mystery and madness each of his insight has to offer and came up with the idea of creating my own blog instead.

I used to be a blogger back in 2007 and friendster was the only option i have that time to post my ideas and thoughts about things, life and it's very own purpose. Started creating blogs when my professor in AR Design 5 failed me which i think is so not right (I'll try to re-pose my previous blogs if i get to find it). But anyway, it's all good. Things happen for a reason. Just like what that dude wrote on his posts. I really have no idea why i refrained from updating my blogs, probably because of school and school works or am i just a lazy ass who happened to mismanage my time due to lack of sleep and rest which all students especially those who painstakingly explore and study the art and science of designing and constructing buildings, experience everyday. haha!

So there you go, my very first post. Thanks to that guy, that guy who is still single and wants to be loved and taken cared of again, heehee, nice! ^^